I don’t need you, or your armour

I’m annoyed.

I’ve been annoyed for a while now.

Don’t worry, it’s not you, it’s someone else. A guy, to be exact. A guy, who, thankfully, does not know I keep this thing. So, I’m free to rant, and rant I shall because whiskey. tango. foxtrot?

I’m horrible with people these days. Since I’ve been going to college I’ve had no time to socialise, no time to write (minus November, which was done by the skin of my teeth), there’s really been no time to do people things. Not that I’m really complaining, I’m not too much of a people person. I’m an introvert with a bubbly personality.

Don't let the smile fool you
Don’t let the smile fool you

I like people, just not all the time.

Better that I come to you than you bother me on the phone all the time with ‘wanna hang out?’ or ‘I miss you’ or anything else that can be thought of.

Another thing I’m terrible at: guys.

I’ve never been good at them, so I’ve stopped trying. Would I like to get married? Eventually, probably, but not right now.

Nor, do I want to be saved.

Or want someone who is needy all of the time. Who can’t stand extended silences, who comes up with something to talk about just to talk about it, and who wants to meet my parents after a few dinners. A good many of which I have paid for because I wanted to be very clear that this is in no way a date. At all.

Somehow that got lost in translation and now I’ve got a guy who won’t get the hint even if I spell it out to him in plain letters.

Here’s the thing; a Whovian wants her Doctor, a princess wants her prince, men and women both want Captain Jack Harkness, writers want their books to be written right the first time, and Edward Cullen wants to be staked through the heart.

Knights in white armour are nice. Or Centurions. Whichever. They’re nice. Down deep inside, every girl really does want one.

They come in all shapes and sizes.
They come in all shapes and sizes.

And while his existence would be fantastic,  there are things the white knight can get rid of quick, fast, and in a hurry.

Gentlemen, there is no such thing as ‘breaking down walls’. If a girl wants you in her life, she will allow you in. Be grateful for that opportunity and don’t muck it up. Restraining orders are a beautiful thing.

Gentlemen, there is no such thing as ‘saving’ a girl. If you have to ‘save’ someone, you should be turning around and running in the opposite direction. A girl who needs saving needs saving from someone with a very expensive degree and a comfortable couch.

Gentlemen, a girl with a brain in her head wants a friend and a partner. And copious amounts of alone time to read (or write). A teenager wants Edward Cullen to obsess over-and smother-her.

Gentlemen, everyone wants to be taken care of. Except when they don’t. Repeated asking of ‘do you need me to come over?’ when a girl says ‘no, that’s okay, I’m really fine,’ is liable to get you deleted from the contact list, not lauded for ‘being sweet’. It’s f&%king annoying. Stop it. If a girl wants you to come over, she’ll ask.

Gentlemen, there is such a thing as a mouth. You have one. It’s good for anything, really. Including stuffing your face full of chicken wings. What it’s not good for is staying closed when you meant to ask a girl if she wants to be your girlfriend AFTER springing the ‘I really want to meet your family’ card on her. The ‘oh, by the way I should have’ line just makes you look like an asshole.

Gentlemen, women are not beholden to you for attention or love. Dogs are a wonderful companion. Cats, too, when they feel like allowing you to love them. If you want to be loved, we will love you, but you’re gonna earn that shit. You’re not God’s gift to women and ‘how did I get so lucky’ is a platitude that is overdue for retirement.

And finally gentlemen, everyone deserves to be loved. Don’t force the issue. Don’t fish for compliments. Don’t sit there and sabotage yourself. Want to be loved? Fine. Be yourself, don’t be someone you think we’ll like.

No means no, men and women can be friends, and ‘maybe’ is not hope for the future.

Thanks for listening, my rant is now over.