The pursuit of Perfection

This poor little blog. I have neglected it so badly.

And it’s Accessories Not Included’s third birthday!

birthday+party+c.+1925
Happy birthday!

Three years have gone by and I used to be so much better about blogging.

Sigh.

Then again, I used to be a lot better about not overloading myself too, but college happened. And I found out something really unsettling about myself THROUGH college.

I have a perfectionist problem.

And not one of those satirized, stop-nit-picking-it’s-really-fine-hahahah-isn’t-this-funny? perfectionist problems. I mean a straight up, I-will-cut-something-if-it-doesn’t-look-exactly-how-I-see-it-in-my-head problems.

Me.
Me.

Needless to say, I have finally reached the burnout point. I suspected it would happen a few months ago, but things really came to a head this last week when I had to re-do an animation four different times and was barely skimming by in an intermediate 3D class.

5 1/2 weeks is NOT long enough to learn how to model the human body. AT ALL.

The problem I have is partly competitive, partly ego, and partly insecurity. It also has a lot to do with GPA and *really* wanting to land a good job when I graduate. Mostly, however, it’s due to the fact that I simply want to be the best at what I do. Which, in a way, is healthy. If I want to be the best, then seeing someone who is better than me and striving to get to their level is good, it MAKES me improve. What isn’t healthy is going full throttle for a year with a couple of weeks of here and there and expecting to keep the pace up until graduation.

At some point, the brain gives.

Mine gave. In the way that I can’t even look at my Windows without trembling and getting sweaty.

So, I’m taking a month and a half off, going down to Florida and seeing my grandmother and extended family. I am also doing absolutely nothing except sitting on my damn couch, watching the rest of X-Files, and finishing my goddamned book.

I’ve also made changes to the blog. I took away the panel theme and made this thing a lot more simple. As much as I love doing the comic – and still will do from time to time – I can’t keep up the demand of putting out a new panel on a schedule. I had my day timed out so thoroughly these last months that I just can’t even anymore. evenI will try my very best to go back to blogging regularly, however. It’s an outlet that I’ve missed and have probably needed but didn’t know I needed it until I went back to it.

I can’t say that I will stop being a perfectionist, however. I don’t think anyone can stop that. For me, it’s a deep seated thing, an idea in my head that’s been there for forever, lurking and poking at me. It makes me re-do things a thousand times before FINALLY deciding that it is satisfied with what I have done. Not that it’s ever really satisfied, but there are brief moments where I’m marginally happy enough with what I’ve done that I can post it or share. It’s not a physical thing, this perfectionism, but it manifests itself that way with frustration, tears, and NEVER WANTING TO LOOK AT A COMPUTER AGAIN.

The sad thing, the really sad thing, is that I could beat the perfectionism by simply pointing out to myself that I have never done anything art school before and I’m just learning. There are bound to be mistakes.

I could do this.

In fact, I have done this.

But perfectionism doesn’t listen.

It DEMANDS.

Which is why I’m going on break.

Because if I don’t, bad things will happen. Mainly to my computer.

It’s time to jump off the art school bandwagon and be a person for a little while, and get back to the things that I like to do. Not the things that I HAVE to do to learn and get a good grade.

There is a definite difference between the two.

I will be back. Oh yes. I will be back. There will be blogging, and branching out into new blogging things, and announcements, and ranting, and more posting on a more regular basis. This time I promise to keep that promise.

Promise.

For now, I’m going to go watch X-Files and count down the days until Avengers: Age of Ultron.

 

Toodles!

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