Michael Bay, please leave the sandbox

For all my military buddies.
For all my military buddies.

No, not that one.

Score one for literal interpretation.
Score one for literal interpretation.

Had to do it, but no.

It works. Shut up.
It works. Shut up.

There we go.

 

Here’s how I imagine a conversation in Hollywood goes with Michael Bay:

MB: Hey guys, you know those Transformer movies, right? The ones that got me nominated for a whole bunch of awards? And made you, like, an ass tonne of money?

PMS: Yeah!

Hasbro: We love you Michael Bay

Dreamworks SKG: OMG OMG OMG

MB: LET’S DO ANOTHER ONE!

Dreamworks SKG: OMG OMG OMG OMG

Hasbro: We love you Michael Bay

Paramount:  But…

MB: No, seriously you guys. It’ll be awesome. We’ll have a hot chick in there, right? We’ll make her have daddy issues and a secret boyfriend and college problems because every girl can identify that, right? . But we can’t cast  Megan Fox. Because I hate her.  Then we’ll have a chick geologist and an Asian assistant chick who was trained in police stuff before she got her MBA or whatever, because chicks keep bitchin’ about screen time or whatever, and that’s enough diversity to shut them up, right?  Then we’ll put Mark Wahlberg in it because Shia LeBeouf is a little douchebag and I hate him, too. Then we’ll get the guy from Fraiser because the movie has to be smart. He’s smart, right? Fraiser was smart. We’ll put him in it. Then, THEN, we’ll get the Italian guy with the Italian name and make him the Steve Jobs of technology but he’s gonna be the bad guy because technology is bad, even though Mark Wahlberg is gonna be this straight laced, single dad, failing inventor type dude. Everyone will love his deadpan ass. We’ll put an Irish kid in there, too as the hot chick’s boyfriend. Chicks love foreign boys. And he’ll DRIVE. Like, drive cars. Like, racing cars.

Paramount: But…

Dreamworks SKG: OMG OMG OMG OMG

Hasbro: We love you Michael Bay

MB: No, no, it’s cool man. We got all the bases covered, right? So THEN we’ll bring in the Transformers, right? We’ll have Bumblebee come back as an old, fucked up corvette and we’ll make that joke again because it totes worked the last three movies. THEN we’ll have Hound, right? He’s this military truck, and all the military guys will f&$king love his stereotype ass. We’ll get an Aussie to play Crosshairs and make him an asshole. Oooh! ooh! And, AND, you know Drift? OMG guys, this is gonna be AWESOME. His name is Drift, right? Totes gonna play that up. He’s Totes gonna be a Bugatti, but, BUT, his ass is gonna transform into a f&$king SAMURAI. WITH A SWORD.

Paramount: But…what about the plot?

Dreamworks SKG: OMG OMG OMG OMG

Hasbro: We love you Michael Bay

MB: We’ll have Megatron come back only it’s not gonna BE Megatron. He’ll get a new body. But he’ll need this seed thing that will wipe out an entire city and totes make the Transformium metal, which the Italian guy is already using because 65 million years ago, the dinosaurs weren’t wiped out by a f&%king asteroid. Oh hell naw. The dinosaurs were wiped out by this OTHER transformer dude, right? His name is Lockdown and he’s this interstellar mercenary dude who’s on the hunt for Optimus Prime because Prime defied the Creators and now the Creators are pissed off so Lockdown has to go get Prime and bring him back into space. BUT he has this seed thing, right? And Megatron knows he has the seed thing so he hacks himself into this new type of transformer that the Italian guy is making because he has a government contract with Fraiser who is the head of the CIA and Fraiser is this pissed off government guy who wants to control a whole bunch of new transformers to keep the world safe, right? So they’re going around and killing Autobots and Decepticons to harvest their metal to make new transformers. But Megatron hacked the bodies and he’s totes back, dude. TOTES.

Paramount: But…

Dreamworks SKG: OMG OMG OMG OMG

Hasbro: We love you Michael Bay

MB: GUYS THERE’S GONNA BE DINOSAURS. A BUNCH. OF. DINOSAURS.

Dreamworks SKG: OMG

Hasbro: WE LOVE YOU MICHAEL BAY

Parmount: OMIGOD YES

 

 

And that, kids, is why we have a fourth Transformers movie.

Toodles!

 

 

 

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