GNOMAGEDDON: the review

This book right here.
This book right here.

I have been waiting SO long to do a review of this book. Now, before you get started on me, let me explain:

NO. I was not given an early copy in exchange for a review.

YES. I was given an early copy in exchange for the artwork.

NO. I had nothing to do with the production/editing/writing of the book.

YES. That is my art you see on the cover.

YES. Once you buy the book you will see my art inside.

YES. I am credited in the book.

NO. I was not paid for any of it. NOR was I paid for this review.

This review is given without strings attached or compensation of any kind.

Why am I putting all of this out there? My cards on the table, as it were? Because I watch Investigation Discovery so often, I think it’s borderline religiously. I think people are a suspicious lot, and because I have nothing but good things to say about this book.

Critics will scoff and say ‘well she just’. I want to point out that NO ‘I didn’t just…’.

I pride myself on honesty in my reviews no matter what. It’s to this I stick and don’t believe in giving favourable reviews just because I’ve done something for the author. A book has to impress me for me to keep reading.

That being said, I do have one other thing that needs telling:

for purposes of reviewing, the highest number I will ever give a book is a 4.5 out of 5. Only because I’ve found that five and one star reviews have the nasty tendency to be overly dramatic in either their praise, or dislike. Anything from OMIGAWDZ THIS IS AWESOME BUY THIS BOOK! to, PFFT. THIS AUTHOR SUX. Enter your own spelling variations where you please. I’m not doing it to be mean, or to tout myself as some sort of ‘expert’ on what a book should and should not be, Lord knows before I started reading reviews I was just as apt to give a book five stars because it was that damned awesome. Now, I know better. To keep things objective, my review ratings range from 1.5 to 4.5 with 1.5 being the lowest and 4.5 the highest. This is my personal preference and should in no way shape or form, skew your own rating system.

And now you know.

If you can't finish the phrase, you fail at life.
If you can’t finish the phrase, you fail at life.

4.5

Not since Christopher Moore and Terry Pratchett have I laughed so hard at a book. Comedy in the written word is hard to pull off. I WISH I could pull it off because, let me tell you, some of the ideas I have in my head. Tonia? Tonia not only pulls it off, she excels at it. From page one I was laughing. By page ten, I had tears streaming down my cheeks and a hand over my mouth to keep my snorting laughter (shut up. you do it too) from waking up the whole house.

Gnomageddon:

Pack up your dice and character sheets and join us for the release of the goriest, goofiest, gnomeiest novel to ever hit your Kindle. Gnomaggeddon has all of the elements of a traditional fantasy with just enough filthy humor and bloody conquest to make you want to wash your hands when you’re done reading it.
Malgaria is a land of wonder, beauty and enchantment, as well as loads and loads of undead gnomes. Thanks to a widespread plague that is turning not only the little folks of the land into undead monsters, but everyone they come in contact with, no race is safe and Malgaria needs a hero fast. With none in sight, Betty the elf and her team of adventuring miscreants are talked into taking the job. This ragtag crew struggles to find the cause of the plague only to uncover the truth about magic’s biggest secret … the unholy world of science!

With The Walking Dead, zombies have exploded not just on the small screen, but on the page. Granted, George Romero was there first, but that’s just splitting hairs. Tonia has taken zombies and put them into the wonderful world of the RPG (role playing game) and has gone to town. Zombie gnomes? Oh God, yes! Yes please! The story is solid, and the characters are a force unto themselves with Thimblecock Dickerstock acting as the main comedic relief.

This guy.
This guy.

The story follows Beatrix “Betty” Laviscamoshia and her rag tag party as they try to get the wizard, Owloysius, Owlterria the Fifty First, to the Cave of Tits.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

Why are they going to the Cave of Tits? Why does Thimblecock make references to ‘spanking it’? Why can’t Kore The Instigator trash talk like a proper man? And why, oh why, is the normally ice-cold Beatrix finding a soft spot for the ‘idiotic’ (forty-seven is NOT old!) wizard?

Because this is a dirty, dirty little book and you should read it. Because, outlying the Cave of Tits in the gnomish village inside the Valley in the Peace are the cold, blue, some half-eviscerated not quite dead but still lifeless, bodies of gnomes. Three foot tall, ankle biting, hamstring tearing gnomes with a taste for the flesh of the living persuasion.  What these gnomes will lead our party to, what the group will find beyond a village of that horrible career field known as BARD-dom, beyond the sexy red head with the amazing rack, an ogre who can speak in tongues other than grunts and roars, past that other Head Wizard guy with the creepy, creepy smile,  is that one thing that no one wants to talk about. That thing that lies behind magic. The thing that can ruin ignorance forever…

SCIENCE.

Seriously. Go buy the book.

It’s the best five bucks you will ever spend.

Toodles!

 

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2 thoughts on “GNOMAGEDDON: the review

  1. Robin Piggott says:

    Totally ( and I mean extra totally) artwork of the highest order from G.I.T (Gnomerama Institute of Technological Excellence) Been out painting my Gnomes this afternoon so haven’t had time yet to download and digest the fullest extent of the book. Tonight it’s my turn to keep Vampire watch which I love. and have a tub of double Garlic Spread to ward off the evil ones who are reproducing at an alarming rate in our neck of the woods. Gnomeratu is still at large despite APB’s since yesterday.

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