I hate Christmas music; I’ve hated it since I was a kid. So annoying, the same thing is played over and over and over again. And what’s worse? Every radio station plays the stuff one month earlier each year! I mean, how many times can you hear “Jingle Bells” before you want to rip your ears off?
Jingle bells jingle bells.
It’s ridiculous! And every year, every freaking year, there’s some brand new “re-mix” of the song. I mean, really, how many techno beats are there in the world? First it was the country music stars who did it and then it was the pop stars and then even Elmo got in on it and I swear if I have to hear another Enya version of “Silent Night” I’m gonna go out and beat the next person I see wearing headphones, because obviously, they’re listening to Christmas music and at that point, they freaking deserve it. I mean, Katy Perry got in on the Christmas action. She did it right after Beyonce! Oh God, before you know it we’re gonna have some screwed up version of “King Wenceslas” by meat-dress wearing Lady Gaga. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Ricky Martin remixes.
We get it, you’re gay. That doesn’t make you special. Or give you license to do peppy salsa mixes of “Jingle Bell Rock.” Stop it. It’s horrible.
And the cutesy “Jingle Bells Batman Smells”, yeah, that can go away too. And no, I don’t mean go home and sing it behind closed doors. I have the hearing of a level twenty Night Elf with the Dark Hammer of Doom. It adds +20 to my stamina. Suffice it to say, I can hear pretty damn well.
So, what am I saying exactly? Why am I up here ranting? Well, one, because I like to rant for no reason, it makes me happy and therefore it makes you happy.
Plus I heard the President doesn’t like Christmas music. What does that tell you?
I propose that, for the first time in forever, we have a United States-wide radio silence. God knows Europe is smart and doesn’t have Christmas music, what with all the Indians and A-rabs out there milling about. No, I don’t mean Indian as in the ones who are facing extinction, either.
Think about it. Wouldn’t it be nice if the radio stations didn’t play “Santa Clause is Coming to Town” for the fifty billionth time? Wouldn’t it be so wonderful to walk around the shopping mall without the added irritating screech of Rihanna belting out “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer?”
So, ladies and gentlemen, let’s be nice to my ears and those ears of people like me and for once, not play Christmas music, okay?
See, this is what happens when I’m tapped out of good writing ideas…
Please don’t mind the bad use of punctuation or the racism. I am not a racist, nor do I condone it. We just had to come up with a completely outlandish proposal and above is what came of it. I blame Lisa Lampanelli for the racism, I had just watched her yesterday and for some reason, I heard her voice when I was writing this.
Again, please forgive me of all errors. And, I say again: I. Am not. A. Racist.
That is all.
Until next time!