I’m still here…(part I of III)

I swear I am. Really and truly I do. Maybe. I might not actually be here, this could all be just a dream.

red or blue?

red or blue?

Well, whichever way, I am back! This time for quite a while, I think. There are no more travels planned for me until July. And then I get to go back to Utah. Yay, Utah!

(insert your joke here)

(insert your joke here)

So, where do I begin? Oh man, there’s a lot isn’t there? I STILL haven’t done a talk about Oklahoma. I’m not sure if I want to do a talk about Oklahoma, honestly, this state is one of those that you look at squinty-eyed because you’re not quite sure yet. Not that it’s a bad state, there is a silver lining, but, I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it for a little while and get back to you.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t talk at least a little bit about the setting of Annie, Get Your Gun!

Talking of which, if you missed yesterday’s update:

Wabam.

Wabam.

I’ll admit to getting excited just looking at the picture. I can’t wait to share her with you guys! My edits are just about complete. I’ve gone through a second time for continuity purposes and am going to be sending her out to editors and beta readers here within the next week. I want to have her available by August. Beginning of September at the latest.

Keep your eyes on this space! You don’t want to miss Annie!

In other news, I have once again returned from across the pond. With my iPhone decked out in a Dr. Who skin. Don’t hate me because I’m awesome.

Baby sister graduated Summa Cum Laude from the University of Maryland University College. We are all incredibly proud of her.

Baby sister.

Baby sister.

The only bummer to the whole thing was the damned speeches. She graduated as part of the last class to hold their ceremony in Heidelburg, Germany. Which is really cool, don’t get me wrong, but the speeches didn’t even touch on the graduates and what an awesome job they did to get themselves to that point. They were about how great Lt. Col. Bentley was for setting up the University’s study abroad program. A cool thing, but still. When the speeches take two and a half hours, and all of them done by the faculty members and the late Lt. Col.’s family, and the students graduating at the very top of their classes are given a mention to the effect of “you can read their biographies in the class book”, it’s pretty sad. But all said and done, it was a very nice ceremony and the family got to spend a week in Germany.

Germany

Germany.

I haven’t seen Germany since I was five. We lived there from the time I was a wee thing until the fourth grade? I think. I know I spent fourth grade with an evil woman named Mrs. Jenkins in an Florida elementary school. So…whatever age that is. I’m terrible at math.

2013-05-06 11.35.27

Also Germany.

It was a great vacation. Fun to spend time with the family and see things I had not seen since I was very little, bundled into a backpack and conned into going on a Volksmarch (a precursor for more conning into exercise-y things by my cunning, cunning mother). My sister got to practice her German and I got to eat incredibly good food.

Tasty Germany.

Tasty Germany.

Also the Schwimmbad. Which doubled as amazing. And a spa. It was the most relaxed I have been in a very, very long time. If you don’t know, a Schwimmbad is a public bathing house. It’s what the Romans used way back when the Romans were still around. They did it naked, and there was a spa next to the one that we went too where the naked happened.

We did not go to that one.

We went to the one with an aromatherapy room and baths that ranged from 100 degrees to 66 and all of the temperatures in between.

This place right here.

This place right here.

There was also a river thing with a current in it. I mentioned amazing, right? Also in the travels were the waterfalls at Tribeg and the Black Forest. Both absolutely amazing.

Waterfall at Tribeg.

Waterfall at Tribeg.

I think my legs still hate me for climbing the stone stairs to get to the waterfall.

The Black Forest.

The Black Forest.

I have so many more pictures I’d love to share with you guys, but I can’t. Because my theme is dumb and doesn’t offer a portfolio option. Which is really a pain considering the plans I have for this blog. Then again I suppose that’s how WordPress gets you to buy the premium themes, isn’t it?

Sneaky bastards.

After Germany came a few three days in England. Which was nice, despite the skull crushing migraine I ended up getting. Because English weather hates me. With a vengeance that I do not feel I deserve, thank you. Migraine besides, it was great to see the countryside again and to go do a little bit of shopping. I am now the proud owner of the Dr. Who 50th Anniversary stamps.

It's okay to hate me.

It’s okay to hate me.

 

And a Tardis. Phone skin and toy. Why? Whovian, baby. Gotta represent. There was a moment of weakness where I very nearly bought the Sonic Screwdriver remote control. It was 60 quid, though. And that’s a lot of money.

I wanted it very badly.

But I was a good girl. I didn’t get it.

Still kicking myself. But I did not give in.

Toodles!

 

Blog Interview-Samantha Warren

And lastly, but definitely not leastly in my month of blog interviews, is Samantha Warren! She is the author of the newly released IRON LOCKET.

This book right here.

This book right here.

I love this stuff, don’t you? Fantasy is always fun. Throw a little mayhem in there and we have a party.

Now, a little bit about the author.

This person right here.

This person right here.

Samantha Warren is a fantasy and science fiction author who spends her days immersed in dragons, spaceships, and vampires. With her pet dragon, Anethesis, she ventured to the ends of the universe, but the cost of space travel cut into her sock fetish fund, so she sold her ship and returned home. When she isn’t writing, she’s milking cows or trying to feed them Pop-Tarts. She spends a lot of time in her weed patch (aka: garden), watching any show featuring Gordon Ramsay, or posting random things on her blog (http://www.samantha-warren.com).

To the interview!

What got you into writing in the first place?

I don’t really remember, to be honest. I wasn’t one of those kids who grew up thinking “I love writing, I have to write!” I was a reader, not a writer. I loved books, but hated school. Papers were easy to write, but torture nonetheless. I tried my hand at writing during a break from college and wrote a few chapters in a story (that’s available to subscribers for my newsletter *cough cough*), but I got stuck and the urge fizzled out. Then in 2009, I did NaNo, but hit a rough patch where I didn’t like the turn the story had taken and stopped again (that eventually turned into the Jane series). I tried NaNo again in 2010 and that time I was prepared. The story had been percolating for awhile and I was really excited about it. One day in the middle of November, I was substitute teaching (teachers are insane people who deserve a lot more credit than they get) when I thought “I need to get home so I can find out what happens next in that book.” Then I realized the book was mine and I still hadn’t written the what happens. That sealed the deal. Won NaNo, finished the book in January, and the rest is history.

 Why your genre? Do you plan on branching out or do you feel at home in what you write?
I always say that I write the books I want to read. Fantasy and sci-fi are the books I like to read, so they’re the genres I’m naturally drawn to. I do have a couple ideas for some other books, such as a zombie western and an A Life Less Ordinary-esque book, but I’m not sure they’ll ever get written. By the way, watch that movie. It rocks. And Tank Girl. Watch Tank Girl. Just because.
Are you a pantser or a plotter?
Pantser to the core. I’ll usually make up a very minimal outline so that I know where I want the story to go, but then I just let the story develop organically. I’ve been surprised by my own work enough to know that planning is futile. :)
Do you have a writing room or place that you go to write?
I get my best writing done in my bed, which really is very uncomfortable. As a reward for completing The Iron Locket, I bought myself a nice poofy chair and turned a small room into a reading room. I’m hoping I’ll be as productive in that chair as I am in bed. For some reason, I don’t get much done when I’m sitting in my computer chair. It has nothing to do with FB being open the entire time, I swear!
Take me through your writing process. How do you begin?
Most of my books begin with a sentence. The first sentence. I know, you’re staring at the screen and thinking, “Um, duh?” But it’s more than just words. That first sentence is usually where my ideas come from. “He didn’t notice me at first. They never do.” – Vampire Assassin (Jane #1), “Edith Myers had just about had enough.” – The Seven Keys of Alaesha, “The dirt and sand along the riverbank glistened darkly in the fading light.” – Blood of the Dragon. The Iron Locket is a bit different, though. I started with a sentence, “Aiofe Callaghan knelt beside the bubbling stream, pressing her lips tightly together and squinting her emerald eyes in concentration.” That was intended to be the first sentence, and it still is in a way, but it doesn’t occur until halfway through the book now. TIL went through a major overhaul and lots of rearranging to make it the book it is today.
Tell me about your book. Why could only YOU have written it?
The Iron Locket is a fun book that melds modern ideas of faeries and medieval lore. One of my beta readers likened it to a faery tale, and it is in a way. There’s a little bit of Red Riding Hood meets Cinderella (sort of), all mixed in with a whole lot of action. I don’t know of anyone else who would have come up with this particular idea. It started out as a simple faery romance and took the little idea of King Arthur buried in a faery hill and blossomed into something that I absolutely love. To describe it in one sentence: It’s awesome.
 Tell me what makes your book(s) special. Why should I read them?
I mentioned before that I write the books I want to read. That’s what makes my books special. If you give a dozen writers an idea and tell them to write, you will end up with a dozen different stories. No two people have the exact same ideas, no two people think exactly the same way. That’s why I hate the argument that “So and so stole this other person’s idea”. All writers get their ideas from somewhere. Some are better at making them their own than others are. Look at 50 Shades. No, I’ve never read it and never will, but it’s a good example. Everyone knows it was initially Twilight fan fiction, but from what I can tell, there’s nothing really Twilighty about it anymore. Would anyone know that was the inspiration anymore? Probably not. I’m babbling, sorry about that. Anyway, back to my books. They all are books I enjoy reading. Sometimes when I’m going through them after putting them aside for awhile, I forget they’re even mine. They’re fun, snarky, and exciting. My books are also shorter than most. I’m not a fan of long-winded babbling (unless I’m doing interviews, then I’ll take all day and tell you my whole life story). But when it comes to my writing, I stick to the action most of the time. I want exciting, thrilling, can’t-stop-reading books. So those are what I try to write. I’m so thankful for self-publishing because without it, I wouldn’t be able to write those types of books.
Writers say that reading is important if you want to write well. Keeping that in mind, what kind of books do you read?
Reading is definitely important. As Stephen King said in On Writing, not only do you see what good writing looks like, but you also learn what bad writing looks like. I read some craft books, but probably not as many as I should. Most of what I read falls into the genres I like, such as fantasy (all sorts), sci-fi, a little bit of historical romance, pretty much anything that looks good.
You’re in a coffee shop. You get two authors to have coffee with. Which ones and why. GO.
JK Rowling because it’s JK Rowling. I think she’d be a blast to talk to. And Jonathan Maberry. I don’t write/read his genre, but I’ve met him before and he’s awesome. I’d love to spend some one-on-one time to just pick his brain. Plus, he’s freaking hilarious! I’m taking a class from him this summer at the Philadelphia Writer’s Conference and I can’t wait.
Do you wear mismatching socks? It’s okay if you do. Don’t be shy.
I have a bit of a sock fetish. I own so many socks, they don’t all fit in one drawer. In fact, they may not fit in two at this point. My biggest task of the day is finding matching socks. Sometimes it takes me a good ten minutes (often because I don’t want to wear the matches I do find). There is one, well, two pairs of socks that I will wear mismatched, though. One pair is red/white, the other is green/white, but they’re pretty similar otherwise. They’re both Rudolph socks with Clarice, Santa, etc on them, so I intentionally mismatch those. They’re adorable that way.
So much awesome, right?
Right.
So here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re going to follow all of the links and ‘like’, ‘follow’, ‘stalk’, and all of those other things that the kids are doing these days. Why? Because you need a little mayhem in your life.
Toodles!

Wherein I try something new..

Because it’ll be fun. And really, who doesn’t like a bit of fun in their lives? Oh man, have you ever tried going from one keyboard to another? It’s kind of crazy. For my work on GNOMAGEDDON,

This book right here.

This book right here.

mum and dad picked me up an iPad mini case with a built in keyboard. It was very nice of them and completely unnecessary, but they said they were proud of me and that I deserved the case. I’m not stupid by half, I thanked them very much and am now very much the happier for it. Except the keyboard is one of those that is squished down with the ‘fn’ (whatever the hell that means) button to make things like quotation and question marks. It’s kind of funny because my fingers are looking for the button when I’m on a full sized laptop keyboard.

Big hands. Tiny keyboard. Hilarity ensues.

Big hands. Tiny keyboard. Hilarity ensues.

Anyway! That is not the point of this entry. No, no, the point of this entry is to try something new. Sort of. Well, new for me anyway. So, I have this plan right? This plan came to me last night somewhere between waking and sleep when I realised that, at chapter ten and somewhere around 42, 000 words, Annie isn’t quite done yet. Oh, she’s getting there, but….not yet. Which is, at the same time, both exhilarating, and making me reach for the EXCEDRIN bottle. Because, well, the story was only supposed to be a novella. And, if you pay attention to the guys in the hats that come up with these things (I’m sure in a committee of some sort)

This. Except with large white wigs.

This. Except with large white wigs. And sterner expressions on their faces.

a novella is somewhere around 20-45,000 words with 50k being the magic number that elevates your manuscript into the novel slot.

*heavenly chorus*

*Heavenly chorus*

As I’ve said, Annie stands somewhere in the 42k range. Which is awesome and I’m very, very proud. But she isn’t done. Oh, I thought she was, but the story proves otherwise. Because now there is a story.

I think.

I’m pretty sure.

I mean, I’m just as much in the dark as anyone else. I’m writing the thing, sure, but that doesn’t mean I know what the hell is going on. I know what COULD go on, or even where it all could end, but point A to point B (point B being the end) is shrouded in mist and mystery. I know what I want to happen in the next book.

This.

This.

And the final book in this little miniseries.

To this.

Because I’m almost positively sure that every single one of them are going to be full-fledged books. Because it’s not the writing, oh no, my friends it is the editing that makes a book a book. I’m on the second draft-first round of edits-and I’ve finally figured out how a book gets to be a book. Because I was one of those people that thought it just happened by magic. That people like Yvonne Hertzeberger, JD Mader, Tonia Brown, and S.W. Sondheimer (to name some of my indie favourites) just popped those books out in the final awesome you see them in.

No.

Oh no no.

That’s not how this game is played.

*editing experience may vary by author

*editing experience may vary by author

The great thing about editing? I don’t have to worry about being like TWD. The story has taken a shape of its own, one widely different than I honestly thought it would. I have notes that speak a world of difference between what is written and what I set out to write. And I find it absolutely fascinating. I really do, because in the course of two weeks my Annie went from what I had in my head to what the story demanded. Because I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what you write or what you believe in when you write it; there is the story that you want to tell and there is the story that will be told. The two are not mutually exclusive, not by a long shot, but I firmly believe that it is a thing. That a story can take on a life of its own, and if the author is very good and patient and crosses her ‘t’s and dots her ‘i’s properly, the story just might guide her pencil and let her in on the secret.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to create a whole other page thingy on this blog wherein I am going to post the edits of part of the first chapter of Annie.

It’s at thirty three pages now, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to spend all of that time at your computer screen reading a thirty three page blog entry. Equivalent, mind.

Editing is great. It extrapolates on what the first draft has. Maybe it downsizes, I don’t know, depends on what kind of writer you are. I’m not a pantser, I’m not a plotter, I’m a get an idea and run hell for leather with it-er.

And I’m inviting you to come and run with me.

Because it’s gonna be a good time. And, maybe you’ll like what comes out, maybe you won’t. You do get to see how the story progresses, though. And that’s something, right?

Right.

So, up above, under the tab ‘Works in Progress’ will be the Annie edits as they come around. I’ll label them one way or the other so you’ll know what you’re looking at.

Toodles!

Happy Anniversary!

How cool is this?

How cool is this?

It’s my anniversary and what am I gonna do? WRITE!

YAY!

Happy birthday to my little blog! It has been my outlet for stress, my springboard, my pride and my joy. And thank YOU guys for hanging around so long!

I do it all for you.

And the little voices in my head. Who told me that posting up a picture of a two pound coin would be awesome.

There’s just no helping some people.

Toodles!

Blog Interview-Kathy Rowe

And coming around the turn, in the lead, kicking up dust and all of the others to the rear, we have Kathy Rowe! Yes, Kathy Rowe ladies and gentlemen winning the Kentucky Derby!

Ebook!

E-book!

I mean, okay come on, with a cover like that, how could I not? And she’s from Kentucky. It fits. Shut up.

da da da DAAAAAAA!

da da da DAAAAAAA!

A little about the author.

 K. Rowe is a multi-genre author and retired U.S. Air Force Master Sergeant. She has been writing for the last twenty plus years. Stationed at various bases around the U.S.A. and in Europe, she draws from her years of active service. Blending fact and fiction, she spends hours researching technology and locations for her work.

She lives on a 100-acre farm in eastern Kentucky with her husband, four dogs, three horses, two cats, and a house pig named Sherman. When not pounding out several novels a year on her laptop, she can be found working in the garden, or in the fields proudly driving her 1953 Ferguson tractor.

Her favorite part about being an author is interacting with her fans, and she appreciates reviews and feedback. 

See?

And now, the interview (da da da DAAAAAA!) Okay. I’ll stop. I promise.

I blame the horse. Whose name is Sherman. I blame you, Sherman.

I blame the horse. Whose name is Galveston. I blame you, Galveston.

What got you into writing in the first place? 

I blame my best friend for that. We were in high school and she went to some sort of comic con and came back with a tattered old Airwolf script. We looked at it, and decided we could be writers. 25 years later, I’m retired from the military and writing, she’s working for a college law department. She’s got great stories and I keep bugging her to write, but she says she just doesn’t have time.

Why your genre? Do you plan on branching out or do you feel at home in what you write? 

I actually write a multitude of genres: erotica, sci-fi, military thriller, romance, supernatural thriller/ horror, and even screenplays. I don’t like sticking to one genre; I think I’d go nuts if I did.  I write what strikes me at the moment, and sometimes I have to shelf it for other projects that need to get done. But eventually I pick it back up and finish.

At home in her home. As in this is an actual picture of her home. I really do try to be funny.

At home in her home. As in this is an actual picture of her home. I really do try to be funny.

Are you a pantser or a plotter? 

A little of both depending on what I’m doing. Currently I’m tacking a historical fiction screenplay and it’s tough to keep straight on details and timeline. For most of my fiction, I may have a short synopsis in the beginning, but by the completion of the WIP, what I end up with rarely matches what I started out with. I enjoy letting my muse run amok sometimes; never know what you’ll end up with. The Hall is a good example; I started out with a haunted house idea, and eventually changed to a ghost and demon being the main protagonists, not the house itself. I think it came out better with the ghost—it allowed more interaction with the main character.

Pantser. Plotter. Does it matter when you have that kind of view?!

Do you have a writing room or place that you go to write? 

I have an “office” in the house. It has an old Victorian rocker and foot stool, a treadmill desk, and a wall of book shelves. It also houses my crawdad tank, and the pig lives in the bathroom next to it. If it’s cold, I gravitate to the living room and cozy up to the wood burning stove. In the spring and summer, I may even venture outside and plop down on one of the porch swings, or get a lounger and soak up a little sun on the back deck. We have a 100 acre farm, so there’s no telling where I’ll feel inspired.

A writing room to envy.

A writing room to envy.

Take me through your writing process. How do you begin?

In the middle of the night, I wake up with an idea. I can’t go back to bed, (of course!) and toss and turn for hours on end. The next morning I get up, take care of all the animals, and finally get to sit down at my laptop and download the contents of my brain. Most of the time it’s just a logline or a brief synopsis, maybe even a title with a few words describing what I think should happen. If I have time, I dive into it. Just open a blank Word doc and start writing. Along the way, I may remember to do character sketches and locations, but if it’s short, I don’t worry about that. Normally a novel takes about 4-6 months to write. I let it “marinate” for a few months while I finish other projects. Then I take it out, dust it off, and perform re-writes. After a few months of that, it’s off to my editor so she can lovingly bleed all over it. She returns it to me, I make changes, and she gets is back. For the most part, she only wants to see it twice, since she’s gotten me well-trained on how to catch more of my own mistakes. When all editing is done, I work on the covers, back copy, formatting, and get it ready for publishing. Being a 100% Indie author, it’s a lot of work to get a book in print and have it look just like a traditional publisher. I take great pride in putting out books that are nice to look at and fun to read.

We want to write, too!

We want to write, too!

Tell me about your book. Why could only YOU have written it? 

Oh, tough question! Well, Silks and Sand is mostly based in Kentucky, and now that I live here full-time, it’s easier to scout locations. The cover was shot at Keeneland Race track during the fall meet. I originally wanted a cover that had jockey silks positioned on sand, but that wasn’t going to happen. So I had to elbow my way to the rail to get the photo I did. As for the story, I think I brought a unique blend of horseracing and romance together for a spicy, character-driven novella. Having been associated with horseracing in my younger days, I understand the lingo and can create a believable story. I contacted the owner of one horse and got information and permission to use that horse in the book. When I had questions on which races would be best for the main four-legged character, I emailed the racing manager of Churchill Downs and Keeneland— he was most helpful!

Tell me what makes your book(s) special. Why should I read them? 

I cater to many kinds of readers. Oddly enough, I have a few fans that will read any book I put out. I guess they’ve grown to appreciate my straightforward style and no-holds-barred approach to telling a story. I love to entertain, make folks laugh, smile, and on more than one occasion, cringe. Yes, cringe. Some of my stories are “to the bone” and in your face with gory details or horrific scenes. My military thriller series doesn’t sugar coat what it’s like to be in the service, and what war and battle can do to you. Realism plays a very important role in my writing.

Writers say that reading is important if you want to write well. Keeping that in mind, what kind of books do you read? 

Admittedly, I’m kind of bad about this. And for a reason: when I read too much fiction, say, sci-fi, or even watch too much of it on TV or movies, I find myself “accidentally” borrowing from those sources. My goal is to create stories with a “pure” storyline. Yes, they may somewhat parallel another story (who can’t do that nowadays?) but I want to allow the characters and plot to develop more in my mind rather than being influenced by an outside source. I do read a fair amount of non-fiction—usually relating to writing or screenwriting. After I finished writing the 2nd book in the Space series, I finally got to watch Firefly. I’d watched Farscape, and loved Lexx, but when it came time to write, I distanced myself from all things sci-fi. In the end, I got a story that blended little things from each show into a completely unique story that will hopefully be picked up by a Hollywood production company. The script for Space Junk is with 2 A-list producers right now—fingers crossed!

You’re in a coffee shop. You get two authors to have coffee with. Which ones and why. GO. 

Don’t hate me, I don’t drink coffee. But change it to hot chocolate and I’ll be fine. Let’s see, two authors, hmm. Well, I think one would be Stephen Coonts http://www.amazon.com/Stephen-Coonts/e/B000AP701W/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1365001157&sr=8-2-ent  because reading his books shaped my early writing endeavors. I’m friends with him on Facebook, and left him a nice message when he accepted my friend request that he was one of the reasons I became a writer.

The other, would be Indie author Hugh Howey http://www.amazon.com/Hugh-Howey/e/B002RX4S5Q/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1365001277&sr=1-2-ent who I’m FB friends with as well. It would be nice to get them to sit down and pick their brains to see just how each approaches their writing. It’d like to hear how Hugh made his big break into the best sellers and what advice he’d give authors who’d like to see more sales. And Stephen has had several of his books made into movies; I’d be very interested to see how that process went.

SONY DSC

Screw the coffee shop, I want to go here.

Do you wear mismatching socks? It’s okay if you do. Don’t be shy. 

Once in a while. I do the laundry and all the folding, so I usually manage to get all socks in pairs. Although, I am missing one right now…

Now, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to saddle up (I can’t help myself. I try. But I can’t) and click through these links. You’re going to ‘follow’, ‘like’, ‘subscribe’, and of course, buy! Why? Because you love the interview and my Kentucky Derby puns.

You know you do!

And she has a piggy! How can you say no to that little face?!

And she has a piggy! How can you say no to that little face?!

http://www.facebook.com/K.RoweAuthor

http://sturgeoncreek.blogspot.com/

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/sturgeoncreekpublishing

http://amazon.com/author/krowe

http://www.youtube.com/user/sturgeon3736

http://www.indiesunlimited.com/author/kathy-rowe/

Toodles!

GNOMAGEDDON: the review

This book right here.

This book right here.

I have been waiting SO long to do a review of this book. Now, before you get started on me, let me explain:

NO. I was not given an early copy in exchange for a review.

YES. I was given an early copy in exchange for the artwork.

NO. I had nothing to do with the production/editing/writing of the book.

YES. That is my art you see on the cover.

YES. Once you buy the book you will see my art inside.

YES. I am credited in the book.

NO. I was not paid for any of it. NOR was I paid for this review.

This review is given without strings attached or compensation of any kind.

Why am I putting all of this out there? My cards on the table, as it were? Because I watch Investigation Discovery so often, I think it’s borderline religiously. I think people are a suspicious lot, and because I have nothing but good things to say about this book.

Critics will scoff and say ‘well she just’. I want to point out that NO ‘I didn’t just…’.

I pride myself on honesty in my reviews no matter what. It’s to this I stick and don’t believe in giving favourable reviews just because I’ve done something for the author. A book has to impress me for me to keep reading.

That being said, I do have one other thing that needs telling:

for purposes of reviewing, the highest number I will ever give a book is a 4.5 out of 5. Only because I’ve found that five and one star reviews have the nasty tendency to be overly dramatic in either their praise, or dislike. Anything from OMIGAWDZ THIS IS AWESOME BUY THIS BOOK! to, PFFT. THIS AUTHOR SUX. Enter your own spelling variations where you please. I’m not doing it to be mean, or to tout myself as some sort of ‘expert’ on what a book should and should not be, Lord knows before I started reading reviews I was just as apt to give a book five stars because it was that damned awesome. Now, I know better. To keep things objective, my review ratings range from 1.5 to 4.5 with 1.5 being the lowest and 4.5 the highest. This is my personal preference and should in no way shape or form, skew your own rating system.

And now you know.

If you can't finish the phrase, you fail at life.

If you can’t finish the phrase, you fail at life.

4.5

Not since Christopher Moore and Terry Pratchett have I laughed so hard at a book. Comedy in the written word is hard to pull off. I WISH I could pull it off because, let me tell you, some of the ideas I have in my head. Tonia? Tonia not only pulls it off, she excels at it. From page one I was laughing. By page ten, I had tears streaming down my cheeks and a hand over my mouth to keep my snorting laughter (shut up. you do it too) from waking up the whole house.

Gnomageddon:

Pack up your dice and character sheets and join us for the release of the goriest, goofiest, gnomeiest novel to ever hit your Kindle. Gnomaggeddon has all of the elements of a traditional fantasy with just enough filthy humor and bloody conquest to make you want to wash your hands when you’re done reading it.
Malgaria is a land of wonder, beauty and enchantment, as well as loads and loads of undead gnomes. Thanks to a widespread plague that is turning not only the little folks of the land into undead monsters, but everyone they come in contact with, no race is safe and Malgaria needs a hero fast. With none in sight, Betty the elf and her team of adventuring miscreants are talked into taking the job. This ragtag crew struggles to find the cause of the plague only to uncover the truth about magic’s biggest secret … the unholy world of science!

With The Walking Dead, zombies have exploded not just on the small screen, but on the page. Granted, George Romero was there first, but that’s just splitting hairs. Tonia has taken zombies and put them into the wonderful world of the RPG (role playing game) and has gone to town. Zombie gnomes? Oh God, yes! Yes please! The story is solid, and the characters are a force unto themselves with Thimblecock Dickerstock acting as the main comedic relief.

This guy.

This guy.

The story follows Beatrix “Betty” Laviscamoshia and her rag tag party as they try to get the wizard, Owloysius, Owlterria the Fifty First, to the Cave of Tits.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

Why are they going to the Cave of Tits? Why does Thimblecock make references to ‘spanking it’? Why can’t Kore The Instigator trash talk like a proper man? And why, oh why, is the normally ice-cold Beatrix finding a soft spot for the ‘idiotic’ (forty-seven is NOT old!) wizard?

Because this is a dirty, dirty little book and you should read it. Because, outlying the Cave of Tits in the gnomish village inside the Valley in the Peace are the cold, blue, some half-eviscerated not quite dead but still lifeless, bodies of gnomes. Three foot tall, ankle biting, hamstring tearing gnomes with a taste for the flesh of the living persuasion.  What these gnomes will lead our party to, what the group will find beyond a village of that horrible career field known as BARD-dom, beyond the sexy red head with the amazing rack, an ogre who can speak in tongues other than grunts and roars, past that other Head Wizard guy with the creepy, creepy smile,  is that one thing that no one wants to talk about. That thing that lies behind magic. The thing that can ruin ignorance forever…

SCIENCE.

Seriously. Go buy the book.

It’s the best five bucks you will ever spend.

Toodles!